Sleep Is Overrated

There's so much going on in my life right now. In my last blog I spoke about not getting comfortable and I really need to listen to my own advice way more often than I do. My life has been a hot mess for a pretty little minute. From getting a divorce 11 years ago and my kids getting caught in a bad divorce war where they ended up going missing for, well 5 years for my daughter (my son, though I know where he is, has been missing for 10 years), to getting re-married, having two more babies, moving countless numbers of times right down to our world being turned upside down when my daughter was returned to me after 5 long hard years of missing her brother and her. I wish I could tell everyone that my life has had a happy ending but the truth is, my story isn't over yet and I've learned that a happy ending to my day matters more than a happily ever after in whole. I know that sounds silly but the truth is, everyday for 11 years has been some sort of struggle, fight. Whether it's been locating my kids, getting to talk to my son, doing what I love and trying to work and bring an income in to help my husband some. I've battled being a Mom to a teenage daughter who got pregnant and the drama that followed a teen pregnancy right down to the post partum issues and being young and helping her navigate ultimately to send her back to the very people who messed with her head to begin with because I legit thought that maybe, just maybe, her being older, she could find what she was looking for with the help of her Dad, brother and old friends. But that didn't workout as we had planned. This life has been messy, chaotic, stressful, sad, heartbreaking, and downright hard. I have thought more about running away as an adult than I ever did as a child. And, anxiety and depression is real. But I glow up. I do say glow, because even though I've aged, I don't quite feel like I am the adult I am fully meant to be yet. I'm still learning, growing, and mentally developing in a sense. Not in the way of children, of course, but in the way that life has intended things to be. We are constantly going through this life where learning new things isn't optional, where growing your mind and training your soul and your heart to heal from the past is maddening sometimes because you don't (or at least in my case) feel I have grown into the adult who could've and should've handled life better. Don't we all feel that way though? I hear people say silly things like,"I need an adultier adult," and boy, if that isn't the truth I do not what is!!

You see, I'm the one they say,"peeked in high school," and in some ways, I suppose I did. But what I didn't do was grow into the person God designed me to be. I got lost along the way, I fell off the beaten path more times than I can count. I hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt because I was hurting and on my path to finding myself again and learning to become a better person, I let struggles take over. I did things I'm not proud of from drinking a tad bit too much to drugs (thank God I never cared for any enough to want to become addicted and I was able to walk away from those things with ease but not so much other things) to adrenaline addiction (not drug, alcohol, or dangerous experiences related) just to feel something. I'm lucky I never got caught or in worse trouble than I've been in. But maybe I should have been.

The point here is that I thought life was going to look a lot different than it does right now. I was sure I'd have a career, a house that I bought, a paid off car, investments for the future, and just a life I could look back on and be proud of myself for. But with all that life has thrown at me, the thing I've learned is to expect the unexpected and that when you tell God your plans, He laughs. Here I am at 37 years old in a rental house living paycheck to paycheck in a truck I love but that I'm still paying on with no savings for an emergency much less the future and a career that, while satisfying, pays me zero dollar amounts to be able to help my family. And I'm not the least bit surprised that this is my life. I've taken the bad with the good, accepted the things I simply cannot change and am working hard to change the things I can change. I've learned that without sadness, hurt, even failure, you can't know true happiness, peace and success. You have to walk through it all and do what you need to do to get to where you need to be all while being a good person, helping others, and making the right choices.

Is there an adult whose more of an adult than me who can tell me what to do and how to do it and make me even when I'm kicking and screaming that I don't want to? Man, would going back to those days be lovely. Here's the thing, you can choose to live in the past to look back and see the glorified moments and the picture perfect peak or you can choose to live today and glow up tomorrow and peak in a whole different way. Perhaps you've had to go down a different path than you imagined, but that's okay, as long as you get there. This journey isn't one we can map out. You can dream all the dreams and you can put in all the work and, yes, you can achieve those dreams but achieving them isn't going to come in one straight line, it's not going to come in the ways you think those dreams will come true. Dreams take goals, goals take work, work takes planning and planning takes time and dedication. What are you willing to give up to get to where you need to be? What are you willing to do? What hurdles can you foresee having to overcome? Can you give up Friday nights with friends? Are you willing to lose sleep?

You have to ask yourself how badly you want to get to where you are going because the road you are going to go down is going to be downright hard and you have to want things badly enough that you are willing to lose sleep, lose everything, to achieve that life you want. It doesn't mean you have to stop living, it simply means you have to be smart about how you live.

I'm still on a learning and growing journey. It never ends, but I have a final destination and goals to help ensure that when it comes to the end of my life, I can look back and be proud. I ask, what keeps you awake? Is it worth fighting for?

XOXO,

C.